55 plus - Funnies

I Can Hear Just Fine!

Three retirees, each with hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."  
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Exercise for Seniors

For those who are getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week, works well.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

Old Friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and  adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a  week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and  said, "Now don't get mad at me.  I know we've been   friends for a long  time, but I just can't think of your name!  I've thought and thought, but I  can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Feeling Romantic

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

Wedding Planner 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.   Jacob suggests they go in.

     Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

     The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

     Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

     Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

     Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

     Pharmacist: "All kinds."

     Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

     Pharmacist: "Definitely."

     Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

     Pharmacist: "Of co urse."

     Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

     Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

     Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

     Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

     Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

     Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

     Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry

Car Jacking?

This is a true story. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why!!!
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed

I'm a Senior Citizen

I'm the life of the party . . . even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps . . . with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, Beano, antacids . . .
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories . . . over and over and over and over . . .
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care . . .
I'm not grouchy; I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians . . .
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words, like . . .
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies...
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, antismoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory . . .
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors: absolutely nothing!
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CDs, IRAs, AARP . . .
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now . . . by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts; I've just lost the storeroom.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!